I am fine with having you in my life, i realized that, i should be happy instead. Because finally i will have a companion. I've waited so long for God to give me someone whom i can spend the rest of my life with. He may have not given me a loving husband but gave me much better, he allowed me to have a child.
I am really thankful that you came into my life. There was a time when i was very happy and i was imagining all sorts of things that we could do together, just like partners in crime. I'll teach you a lot of things and we'll visit a lot of places and we will be very happy. Raising you alone is not a problem because i have a job. I may have a lot of debts- but i know wih you by my side there's nothing i can't do.
When i told your dad, though phone, that i am pregnant he told me to meet up and we'll discuss about it. At that time i asked him what should i do, then he replied that he'll take full responsibility on us. But i was also aware that he got his ex-gf pregnant and was forcing him to marry her. And so i asked him how can he be taking care of us when he's not even man enough to do that. Your dad said that he chose me over his ex-gf, that's why he's still in our place. But at the back of my mind it was difficult to believe him baby, before, when he learned about you he couldn't even fight for us how much more now that the pressure is more.
When i told my mom, who is working abroad, about my situation she was very disappointed. She then asked if your dad would take his responsibility and i just told her what he told me. But the thing was your dad wouldn't want to face my mom. He really got me confused i dont know if i should lie for him. After a few days i experienced pregnancy spotting. The doctor told me that my pregnancy is at high risk, my personnal problem had probably affected you baby. I know that you too can feel my sorrow, anger, and confusions. I am really sorry baby. Baby you are very important to me and i'll do everything to keep you safe.
If you're going to ask where your father is, he's always not around. And he would only come if i ask him to, he doesn't have the care or to say the least the ' initiative' to just come and visit us. I dont even ask financial help because i dont want him telling me in the future that i kept on asking money from him.
At work i never told anyone who your father is, i just feel that it was the right thing to do since your father doesn't love us anyway. But since where officemates he took the liberty of telling everyone that he's your father and that he'll be responsible. I felt bad about it baby because he just do the talking but the fact of the matter is he's not doing anything. I really didn't understand why he did it.
I have now a lot of debt, baby, the pills i had to take to keep you safe are quite expensive, plus the vitamins and the regular check-up with the doctor. But i dont mind as long as i know that you'll be okey, i'll do everything. My friends are very supportive, they are such a big help to me. If you're gonna ask me where your grandma is, you dont have to worry about her because there are other people -your aunt and cousins- who needs her more than us. But i do hope that she'll somehow help us too.
The day came that i somehow expected. Your dad decided to be with his ex-gf and didn't show-up at the office anymore. They even came up with a story that he was bewitched that's why he couldn't refuse his ex anymore. Of course i never believed it, it was his own decision because he couldn't take the pressure anymore. And as usual he broke his promise, but it's alright i've already anticipated this anyway. I just dont know how will i handle, what my mom would say.
I called my mom and told her everything, it was a big relief when she just accepted my fate but not without some nagging. I had mixed emotions i was very happy and sad at the same time my mom has not done that to me for a long time. But i dont mind im a lot happier now and i wont have to think about anything else other than, you my baby. And my mom said she'll help us.
After some time my ex-bf wanted me back, this time he said he'll give you his name and we'll be happy together as family. I'm really happy baby, because you'll finally have a father even if he's not you're biological dad he'll take you as his own. My apologies baby, i just want you to have someone to call papa when i bring you out to this world.
I experienced again spotting, this time i really feel bad. The doctor told me to take a long bed rest. I was alone baby, but i was extra careful for your own safety. I asked helped from my bf but i couldn't find him. I also seeked help from mom, but she didn't answer my e-mails. Im really sad, baby because we were once again abandoned.
I was on my way home from my monthly chech-up, when the jeepney i was in got into an accident. We were immediately brought to the hospital and i thought you were fine. The following day the gynecologist said you don't have heartbeat anymore. The pain was unbearable baby, i asked myself, "why did it had to be you?", "why did you left mama? ", i really thought we could be partners, i couldn't understand why? I am once again alone....
With my friends help, i was able to pay the hospital bill and your funeral fees. But when my mom found out that i gave you a proper burial she got mad and questioned my action. To her you were just a few months old to small to be given such attention. But for me, you are my child, i may have had a lot of mistakes in the past and if she's angry at me it still doesn't give her the right to put all the blame on you.
Baby i hope you forgive mama, your mom's life is a mess. Its probably the reason why you left. Even now that you're gone i hope when the time come's that were going to meet again no matter where you are right now, can you still call me mama?
I know that God has a reason why he allowed all this to happen. I just hope i'll be able to realize his plans whatever it is, and i also do hope that he'll whisper unto me and guide me. We may not be together my child but i know that you're always by my side. And please do help your mom move-on. Thank you for coming into my life baby, thank you.
Farewel my beloved child. I hope you know how much mam loves you. Would it be alright baby? Would it be alright if you call me mama?
author: desperada;taken from http://definitelyfilipino.com/blog/2012/05/03/pwede-mo-ba-akong-tawaging-nanay/
translation by: MrsVanPoucke
